Anger and kindness 6th May 2020

Today was a day when I was shown kindness and anger, neither of which I expected.

What stands out for me was that the kindness made me want to cry. The anger just made me numb. Getting home they both made me think, what could I have done differently?

I’m not a confrontational type of person. I will always negotiate, educate, listen and talk to anyone with a difference of opinion to me.

I do have a limit though. A point where I’ll not be able to absorb the confrontation, where I’ll need to reflect it back to ensure the dialogue is even.

At the moment I know I have a much reduced tolerance. A shorter fuse than usual. With that will come a quicker reaction to defend, to demand respect, or move away to self protect. I make the assumption that this is the same for most people at the moment, feeling the pressure and not being able to remain their usual calm approach to issues.

So being exposed to anger really made me question what does it mean? I’ve never really thought about it, not to question what causes it as I’ve always been focused more on unpicking the impact of it.

I’ve been on the Mind website alot lately. To help understand the impact of this pandemic on me, on my team and colleagues and my family. So I went back to it to see if there was anything on the site to help me with this.

The four points mentioned below really helped me explore how I can manage the next time I’m in this situation I can avoid triggering it.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anger/causes-of-anger/

Causes of anger are because the person feels;

  • threatened or attacked
  • frustrated or powerless
  • like they are being invalidated or treated unfairly
  • like people are not respecting our feelings or possessions

So how does that help me…

I quoted from evidence I feel is the best sourced, written and explained. The guidance we are assessed against following. I could have sought out what the science was behind the evidence I was challenging. Sought to find out there view of their evidence.

I questioned decision making when on reflection I could have asked for their opinion on the evidence I was advocating.

My actions may have undermined their position of authority. By taking a different approach, and time to pause, I could have asked for their support in helping to understand why the differences are so profound.

This would have meant that their opinion was also valued and respected.

What I now need to work out is how to defuse, how to negotiate better and use this experience for the better.

I’ve learnt so much from this. I will adapt from this.

Thankyou for the lesson.

But more importantly thankyou for the kindness and gifts.

They both enabled me to learn and take something positive from what could have been a negative.

I write these, reflect and then post. Often just the writing is enough, but this one I feel needed posting a day or two later.

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